Family Guy vs American Dad
by frostyfreezyfreeze54
Summary: Forbidden from drinking by Stan, Roger decides to meet up with an old friend who loves to drink: Peter Griffin. Roger soon explores the world of Quahog and he meets the rest of the Griffin family. It's the crossover you never thought would happen!


_Family Guy_ vs. _American Dad_ - Stan is convinced that Roger's alcoholism is starting to have a negative effect on the family, so he forbids him from drinking again. Francine backs him up. Convinced that the Smiths no longer love him, Roger decides to call up an old friend who is more than happy to accommodate his drinking: Peter Griffin. Roger travels to Quahog under the disguise Hunter Stabler and reunites with Peter. Peter offers to let Roger stay at the Griffin house until he gets settled. This is when Roger gets firmly introduced to the world of _Family Guy_. Stan finds out where Roger is and the Smiths travel to Quahog to take Roger back home.

("Crossover" by EPMD playing in the background as shots of the Quahog skyline are shown. The following actors/actresses are credited: Seth MacFarlane, Alex Borstein, Mila Kunis, Seth Green, Patrick Warburton, and John Viener. The Langley Falls skyline is shown, and MacFarlane is credited again, along with Wendy Schaal, Rachael MacFarlane, Scott Grimes, Dee Bradley Baker, and Patrick Stewart.)

SCENE 1

The Smith Household

Interior Living Room

Langley Falls, Virginia

(Roger is drinking a bottle of Heineken while watching TV. He's dressed like Luke Skywalker.)

VOICEOVER: Coming up next on _Girl Meets World_, Maya makes a difficult decision...

ROGER: Please say abortion, please say abortion.

VOICEOVER: Should she go for Lucas with Riley in the way?

ROGER: Dammit, Disney Channel's been in the crapper since Raven started smoking. Or was it Miley?

(Stan angrily walks up to Roger and turns off the TV)

ROGER: Hey, what are you doing? I was just about to imagine Maya from _Girl Meets World _getting an abortion!

STAN: Looks like you had another drunken mishap. I just got off the phone with Terry and Greg. You had a whole bottle of Smirnoff Ice at their house this morning and then tried to take their pants off.

ROGER: Hey, I was trying to make it a Triple Threat, they're the ones who couldn't understand the rules.

STAN: Roger, this is getting out of hand. Your drinking is starting to heavily affect this family. I ask you to pick up Steve from school, the car gets hit by a bus. I ask you to report to family dinner on time, you show up two hours late with a prostitute taped to your leg. I ask you to pick up my dry cleaning, the car crashes into a pole.

ROGER: Actually, the car ran into another bus, the pole thing was just high school gossip.

STAN: Well, either way, I can't stand for this anymore. Roger, from this point forward, I no longer want you to drink.

ROGER: You know, Stan, the Emmys hand out awards for Outstanding Comedy Series. I, for one, firmly believe that an award for Outstanding Comedian should go to you. I mean, that joke is freaking amazing. Satire with a hint of parody. Genius. Now pass me the Jack Daniels before I kill you.

STAN: Roger, this is serious.

(Roger looks concerned, then gets on the floor and starts screaming like a little kid)

ROGER: NOOOOOOO, YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME! ALCOHOL IS THE ONE THING THAT KEEPS ME FROM HATING YOU GUYS! Wait a minute. What if I told you I could make it worth your while? (Roger starts touching Stan flirtatiously)

STAN: Um...what?

ROGER: I mean, Francine is always busy with the kids and when you need your grind...

STAN: Look, you haven't proven to me you can balance your life with alcohol in a long time. So I'm going to get rid of it all and see if Francine agrees.

(Stan walks to the kitchen when Roger takes out a gun and fires at Stan, shooting him in the spine and killing him. It's revealed to be Roger's imagination.)

ROGER: Crap, that _Unfabulous _marathon didn't pay off at all.

SCENE 2

The Smith Household

Interior Attic

Langley Falls, Virginia

Later on, Roger is in his attic dressed like Mickey Mouse. He looks devastated. His bar Roger's Place is completely empty.)

ROGER: You know, on days like this, I would put on my best Hawaiian douche ensemble and give those bar folk something they've been longing for all day: Relief from their stressful, tied down lives with stupid children and wives that bug them about picking up rice cakes at the market. But I can't even do that. I'm nothing without booze. I'm just a sad sack spent to live with nothing but my own defecations, wallowing in a room with no place to go and a stupid accent.

(The camera pulls back to reveal Klaus.)

ROGER: Yeah, and if you're wondering, I was talking about you. I was trying my best not to keep it subtle.

KLAUS: (Bleep) you. In all honesty, I don't see what the big deal is. You're just losing a couple drinks at home, what's the stress?

ROGER: Klaus, I feel like whiskey is the key to the world's problems. Beer is the gateway to knowledge beyond our reach, vodka is a safe haven from all your inhibitions, champagne gives you a sense of regality and wine is God putting his pee in a bottle for us to enjoy like a baby enjoys breast milk.

KLAUS: Boy, you have problems. And I thought Gene Simmons had a lack of understanding. Look, Roger, all you need to do is drink outside the house. You're not hurting anyone and Stan will never know.

ROGER: You're right, Klaus! That's brilliant.

KLAUS: Yeah, you see, G? Now you're straight like a jack-a-lantern on the Halloween tip!

(Roger gives Klaus a bored look.)

KLAUS: I'm taking a hip-hop terminology course. How's my flavor?

Stan, Francine, Steve, and Hayley are eating pork chops and mashed potatoes with green beans.

FRANCINE: You know, Stan, I think you made the right decision by trying to get Roger to sober up. But don't you think he'll go insane all cold turkey like this?

STAN: He's Roger. How insane can he get at this point? I mean, he played _Pulp Fiction _with me because he thought I was an OD'ing bitch.

FRANCINE: I guess so. But just don't take away the wine. Or else I'm going to have to make sure there's a serious cover-up if you catch my drift.

STEVE: This is unbelievable. Roger without booze? How will he be able to live with himself? It's like Nicki Minaj not trying to hammer home her sexuality.

HAYLEY: Well, personally, I think this will be good for Roger. If you ask me, his alcoholic shtick was getting old anyway.

ROGER: Hayley, sweetheart, I heard my name cast in a negative light, I don't want that to happen again. Well, Stan, you did it. You swore me off of booze for good. I no longer want to enjoy alcohol in the Smith household.

STAN: I have the feeling you're manipulating me. But I can't help but feel so proud that I've made an impact on you, that my vanity shines through my common sense. Thank you for your newfound commitment.

FRANCINE: Roger, I'm a little surprised. Are you sure you don't have the urge for a Miller right now? Because damn, I do.

ROGER: Of course not. That's all just child's play, a whole bunch of Chucky.

STEVE: You're...you're just referencing a movie. Are you drunk right NOW?

ROGER: Of course not, I'm 15% high, but we can't focus on everything.

SCENE 3

The C.I.A.

Interior Meeting Room

Langley Falls, Virginia

(Deputy Director Bullock is in the middle of the meeting with the employees.)

BULLOCK: So, in other news, I really don't want any of you to get at that sprinkled chocolate donut in the break room. I'm not afraid to go Daniel Bryan on you.

(Stan's phone rings and he picks up)

STAN: Hello, Francine?

FRANCINE: Stan, you have to head down to Quizno's! Roger's drunk and he's holding up traffic and everything!

STAN: OK, I'll be down there. Deputy Director Bullock...

BULLOCK: Please go, Mr. Smith.

(Stan immediately rushes out of the room; long pause)

BULLOCK: Dick, stop picking your nose, this is a place of class.

(Dick looks around in shame)

SCENE 4

Langley Falls, Virginia

(Stan frantically drives to Quizno's. He sees a bunch of yellow tape and a horde of people surrounding the area. Roger is drunk with a gallon of wine and standing on top of two crashed cars. He's dressed as Tom Yabo.

ROGER: Alright, I have 45 minutes to kill so I have something important to say.

STAN: Tom, get down from there before you hurt yourself!

ROGER: Hey look, it's Suit and Tie Fruity Boy! Hey, Suit and Tie Fruity Boy, why don't you come up here and get wrecked in your sack by Tom Yabo, former war correspondent! Agh, dammit, my skull!

STAN: He's so drunk, he can't even remember his own occupation. Might as well shoot him down while I have the chance.

(Stan takes his tranquilizer gun and shoots Roger down with three darts while the crowd rejoices)

RANDOM GUY: Thank God he wasn't black.

SCENE 5

The Smith Household

Interior Attic

Langley Falls, Virginia

(Stan is furious with Roger, who's now naked. He's on his bed in shame.)

STAN: Unbelievable. Un-freaking-believable. Community service for 200 hours, a whole month of AA meetings. And several charges that can't be mentioned right now but you should be aware of that got dropped. Thanks to me.

ROGER: Is this about me streaking last month in Tijuana? I mean, that whole place was like Barcelona's mouse droppings, they were asking for it.

STAN: Roger, I'm sick and tired of you always finding a way to get yourself out of trouble. It's not always going to be easy. Pretty soon, you're going to take it too far and the C.I.A. will kill us all because of it. So from this point forward, we're back where we started: No leaving this house. You're grounded, mister.

ROGER: What?! I'm Roger, I have to show off my clothes for the precious reward of envy and hatred!

STAN: Forget it, dude. It's about time you started to be more responsible. One of us has to grow up and you know damn well it's not going to be me.

(Stan walks away at that very moment)

ROGER: That jerk Stan always pushing me around. You need to be more careful out in public. You can't be naked when Jeff is in the house. You have to be more responsible so I can be more abusive. Well, no more. I'm...I'm going to run away. Away from this family of freaks that don't love me anymore!

(Roger looks in his closet for clothes he can pack when he sees a box that says "80s Memories I Probably Forgot About.")

ROGER: Well, I guess checking through the files will make me feel better. This was the only decade where everyone was comfortable with their sexual orientation.

(Roger looks at a picture that catches his eye, which is of him and Peter Griffin from 1984)

ROGER: Ah, Hunter Stabler. One of my favorite disguises from back in the day. And yeah, this guy was always cool. We got drunk all the time back then. Hey! Wait a minute, that's it! I just need to come in contact with this guy again, and I'll be able to drink non-stop! It's better than this BS place of squares and hippie weirdos and dorks with stupid European accents.

(The camera pulls back to reveal Klaus again.)

KLAUS: Seriously, I don't see the point of talking about me when I'm in the same room.

ROGER: Yeah, that's the point. You're supposed to hear it.

SCENE 6

The Griffin Household

Interior Living Room

Quahog, Rhode Island

(Peter is drinking a can of Pawtucket Patriot Ale while watching TV.)

VOICEOVER: Tonight on Comedy Central, a brand-new episode of _South Park_!

(at that very moment, Peter turns off the TV) PETER: I'm not interested.

(Peter gets a call at that very moment. His ringtone is "...To Be Loved" by Papa Roach.)

PETER: Hello, Peter Griffin. If you're calling about my credit card debt, don't worry. I don't plan on doing anything about it.

ROGER: Well, would you be interested in paying a debt to an old friend?

PETER: Get a job, you freeloading bastard!

ROGER: No, it's not about money. Hunter Stabler's the name, popping bottles is my game.

PETER: No way! Hunter, it's really you?

ROGER: You bet your ass it is. And I was interested in coming over and getting busy like we used to. By the time we're through, the police will need three breathalyzers each!

PETER: I don't know, Hunter. I'm married now and my wife will just nag me about how I shouldn't be a slave to alcohol or some _Cosmopolitan _crap.

ROGER: Well, one visit from me and you won't have to worry about it. The Drunken Clam, tomorrow night?

PETER: Definitely. You know, I have some cool friends you could meet also.

ROGER: Great, I can't wait to kill them.

PETER: What?

ROGER: With funny stories of our past!

PETER: Oh, well, that's awesome. Because it almost sounded like you were going to violently murder my pals.

ROGER: Ah, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Bye!

(Peter hangs up and Brian walks into the room)

BRIAN: Peter, who were you talking to?

PETER: My old college buddy Hunter Stabler. He's coming to the Clam tomorrow night to pay me a visit.

BRIAN: Don't you think it's kinda weird how a guy who you haven't mentioned or talked to in years suddenly wants to meet up?

PETER: Probably. But one thing Hunter always knew how to do was party. This is going to be way more fun than that stupid croquet game we played last weekend.

BRIAN: That was a funeral.

FIRST COMMERCIAL BREAK

After the break, Roger comes to Quahog as Hunter and meets Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire at the Clam. It all leads to Roger heading to the Griffin house and getting truly exposed to the world of _Family Guy._

READ & REVIEW!


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